Last night I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. It has been about a year since I have had one. And this was not just a small passing one, but the mother of all panic attacks. A full-on, can’t breathe, gasping for breath, heart racing, terrifying, hyperventilating, I-think-I-am,-going-to-die, panic attack.
It was about 12:30 a.m. My daughter had just slipped into our bed and because she said she couldn’t sleep. Her little body twisted and kicked and just wouldn’t settle. I suggested we go back to her comfy bed and I would stay with her there until she fell asleep. She agreed and we shuffled off to her room holding hands. As I sank into her twin size mattress with her I felt a cold, wet sensation and I knew she had wet the bed before coming into our room. It all made sense to me now. I next discovered her underpants soaked on her floor and I just unraveled.
I wasn’t mad at her, it was just my cracking point. You see, I feel like every single area of my life is shifting, moving, and changing and not having any stability right now has left me feeling more than a little uneasy. I have been feeling worry, stress, lost, alone, and so out of sorts. Relationships, jobs, physical homes, internal struggles, and health have all taken up too much space in my head in the hours I should be sleeping lately.
As you may know, our family of five (plus cute pooch and not-so-cute gecko named, Snoop Dog) are headed out of dodge in the next 3-5ish months. On top of the normal stress of coordinating all of that, and building a home 1,400 miles away, I have been struggling with every area in my life right now to be perfectly honest, and then this week our youngest daughter tested positive for Lyme disease. Hearing that news Thursday night literally broke me and I am trying to figure out how to put things together again.
I am sad, scared as hell, and feel like somehow I failed to protect her from this nasty disease. So when a middle of the night pee the bed incident arose, it was just the straw to break this mama’s back.
After dealing with changing the bedding and getting her off to sleep, the panic attack slunk me out of my own bed and I ended up in the bathroom on the floor. I reached into my cabinet for my bottle of Serenity oil. I slathered it on my chest and soles of my feet and just tried to breathe, but mostly I just cried and let it all out. I expressed all my fears to my husband who met me on the floor to listen and just be there. He knew he couldn’t fix it but offered up a few gentle words, enough to pull me out of it. I stood up and walked to my oil supply and took the Console Touch, using it on my heart, pulse points, and down the back of my neck. I still walk the walk in turning to my oils for support and that may be the one constant thing I have right now.
I tell you all this so you know things are not perfect in case you have ever felt the need to do that awful comparison thing. Things are not perfect for anyone and at times there is deep struggle and pain. It is all part of being human and I need you to know there is a person and a story behind the pretty pictures of oils and blends you find me positing on social media.
This morning I went walking and had a conversation with a monarch butterfly. I have a deep connection to nature and animals and was gifted a special and timely message. She met me at the top of a hill and she swirled and flitted around me. As I walked, the butterfly flew ahead, never going too far from me. When the butterfly got a little too far ahead, she waited on a flower for me to catch up and then started the dance all over. She did this for quite a while and it was beautiful and intriguing for me to watch. When she flew off I felt a message from her that I feel compelled to tell you all in hopes it will help at least one who may come across this.
Be light. Let the wind guide you around but don’t EVER forget that YOU have your own damn wings! If you aren’t happy in the course you are on, change it. If you want to change it again, change it again. It is YOUR course. The wind can offer a direction to you but use your own strength and knowledge and do what is right for you. Please don’t forget to be light. You can’t get much of anywhere with all of that heavy weight on you. -Monarch